“Excuse me but….”

So, I opened a can of worms. A really large. Really ugly can of worms. Phone calls were made, messages were sent and my phone didn’t stop buzzing for three whole days. I asked a group of people who’s voices are rarely heard to speak up. To raise themselves above the coffee counters and tequila soaked bars. To make a stand and let the general great unwashed know what is unacceptable when placing an order.

Strap in folks. We’re in for a bumpy ride

Things as a person who works in hospitality I freaking hate: 

  • Clicking your fingers
    Genuinely. will snap your fingers off
  • There’s a large group of you. You’ve all ordered drinks. I bring the drink over……..no-one claims it
    Cue blank stares and an awkward silence. Finally someone pipes up, coffee is now cold 
  • Ordering drinks one at a time, finally ending with “Oh. And a pint of Guinness”
    Seriously 
  • “Is it alright if we just move to that table over there?”
    No. NO IT’S NOT. It’s never ok 
  • “I couldn’t get in the door”
    That’s because we’re shut. The sign says closed, I don’t care if it’s 9.58 with an opening time of 10
     
  • Queue…..Queue…….Queue…..”I Still don’t know what I want
    Get out my bar
     
  • “I’d like a long island iced tea” Made “and another long island iced tea”
    I definitely have enough brain cells to make two drinks at once

  • “Are you serving”…
    No I’m just making my own mojito…

  • Working in a gin bar.. “What gin do you have?”..
    Well I could list the 100+ gins for you but you’re still probably going to pick the house

  • Table of 20 covers…..”Can we all pay separately?”
    The worst

  • Half a shot, decaf, soy latte extra hot
    …………
  • Plonking money down on the counter
    Just bloody rude….and now it’s sticky

  • “That pint tasted funny”
    Still drank it didn’t you cheap beggar

  • “It’s so busy in here today!”
    It’s bank holiday. Thought you’d be the only one out?

  • “Could I try the elderflower martini?…….Oh no that’s awful  could I have a smirnoff and coke?”
    I’m wasted in this job. No-one appreciates

  • “How long does it take to make an omelette?”
    About four minutes but I also have everyone else’s food to cook  too
  • “Please be careful this plate is very hot” Grab. Pain.
    I did tell you

  • Sitting on the only dirty table in the café. Staring expectantly
    Just leave

  • “I’m so sorry we’re so late, I know the booking was around an hour ago but we’re here now. We’re also 12 instead of 8, that’s ok right?”
    No

  • “Keep the change”
    Thanks for the 5p. Mate

  • Children
    Just children

  • Could I grab your WIFI Password?
    Only if you promise not to sit here for the next 8 hours nursing a pot of £1.80 tea furiously demanding more hot water to fill it it. Go write your ‘bestseller’ somewhere else

  • Carries tray over, customer grabs drink off tray. Drink ends up all over customer.
    Get off my tray
  • I’ve been waiting for like 20 minutes
    Well. You haven’t though. Have you?

If you think of anymore feel free to harass me at erin_lawlor@hotmail.co.uk

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